Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men

Cucumbers are better than men because …

A cucumber doesn’t care if you don’t shave your legs and won’t bug you about exercising or losing weight.

The average cucumber is at least six inches long and a cucumber won’t tell you size doesn’t count.

Cucumbers never ask, “Are you ready yet?”

A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

Cucumbers never ask your age.

You can go to a movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie.

You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

A cucumber won’t switch channels from your soap to All Star Wrestling.

A cucumber won’t read your diary, will never answer your phone or borrow your car.

A cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat.

A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.

A cucumber won’t compare you to a centerfold.

A cucumber will never contest a divorce.

You won’t find out later that your cucumber is married.

You don’t have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber.

A cucumber won’t turn on to every leg or breast that passes by.

A cucumber will never call you by the wrong name.

Cucumbers never want to take you home to meet their mothers, nor invite their mothers to stay with you. Cucumbers don’t have mothers.

You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

A cucumber will never give you a hickey.

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Okay, I’ll admit it. With this post my blog has gone from a PG rating to nose-diving toward the gutter. But this Reader’s Digest Condensed version (edited in an attempt to preserve at least a shred of decency) is pretty funny, no?

Well, it was when I gave the paperback to my cousin Sandy many, many, many years ago. At the time I sacrificed half a dozen Playgirl magazines to create wrapping paper and presented the book to her—accompanied by vegetable—as a bachelorette party gift. Hard to believe that was nearly three decades ago.  I swear we were 23 just yesterday. Where DOES the time go?!?!?

In any event, even though she likely didn’t hang onto that cucumber very long, today she and Dave are celebrating their 27th wedding anniversary. I’m not sure if he’s into All Star Wrestling, bugs her about exercising or losing weight, or has ever given her a hickey (TMI … some things are better left unknown), but she definitely made the right choice in keeping him!

Blessings and love to both of you, with wishes for many, many, many more cucumber-less years together! Enjoy your day!